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About this Site

For readers under 30: this is what 'newspaper classified ads' looked likeFor decades now, a dedicated Western Pennsylvania man has used the Classifieds section of the Butler Eagle (and occasional letters to the editor) to counsel readers on the hazards of alcohol and drugs.

This man, whose nicknames and frameworks of analogy have shifted and evolved countless times over the years, is Danny W. Shultz.

My name is Jules Bentley, and I’ve been a Danny W. Shultz fan since the late nineties, avidly reading his classified postings via the Butler Eagle’s website. For a li’l minute around 2006, some other Shultz fan ran a blog chronicling this tireless prohibitionist’s efforts, but that site is now lost in the mists of the internet. I’d love to find it and add its entries.

Once I win the powerball, I will hire graduate students to go back through the Eagle’s pre-2002 archives and type up each of Danny’s epigrams. In the meantime, as a poor man of poor means, I can only try my best to catalog his ongoing classifieds as he writes them.

To clarify: This blog’s entries are transcriptions (or copy-pastings, if you will) of Danny W. Shultz’s classified advertisements in the Butler Eagle.

While Danny W. Shultz writes letters to the editor on diverse topics, those which do not concern substance abuse fall outside the purview of this discount-domain-named blog.

On the offchance he should be directed to this humble electronic undertaking, let me say to Mr Shultz: I wish you long, joyful and undrunk life. Be you Bug, Pooka, Dragon Fish, Vampire Fish or some as yet undreamt-of permutation, I stand beside you proudly in your relentless word-war against booze. Not really with ya on the “crusade against marijuana” thing, but hey– let’s focus on commonalities.

Soberly,

Jules


Jules may be contacted at xjulesbentleyx@gmail.com
This site’s wordpress theme is an adaptation of “Chunk” by Automattic

  1. Thomas Daniel Beechey says:

    I’m tired of being part of a clan of empty-headed dolts
    The kind that laughs and claps their hands each time a reptile molts
    So it’s time for me to take a stand, turn it up a couple volts
    And live my life in a style so grand like Danny W. Shultz

    I wish that I could be a man Like Danny W. Shultz
    Whenever earthquakes strike the land, he never feels the jolts
    Because each time a fault expands, over it he catapults
    I wish that I could be a man like Danny W. Shultz

    Danny W. Shultz, that’s who
    I’ve always wanted to be
    Just call me Danny Double-U
    S-H-U-L-T-Z

    If I could only be a man like Danny W. Shultz
    In his teeth, do you know he can catch bullets and lightning bolts?
    Are you also aware he’s speedier than all of the fillies and colts?
    If I could only be a man like Danny W. Shultz

    Someday I know I’ll be a man Like Danny W. Shultz
    I never once had it in my plan to ever be Lou Holtz
    And, except for “Mask”, I’m not a fan of the actor Eric Stoltz
    No, all I want is to be is a man like Danny W. Shultz

    Danny W. Shultz, that’s who
    I’ve always wanted to be
    Just call me Danny Double-U
    S-H-U-L-T-Z

  2. juliette lyon says:

    I remember when I was probably 15ish I wrote to him via the classified ads. He replied both times calling me an angel fish. He intrigued me now just as he did then over 20 years ago.

  3. Josh Mattocks says:

    I loved Danny W Shultz…contact me on Facebook, I would love to help you catalogue Danny’s backlog.

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